Begin Again
by Lady Althena
Summary: A tragic event turned their fate upside down. A Sagara x Tessa Fanfic. Anime: Full Metal Panic
1. Chapter 1: Care

**_I care about you more than anyone else. If you could only see that, would it change your feelings a little bit?_**

Teletha Tessa Testarossa, the commanding officer and captain of Tuatha de Danaan, was staring teary-eyed at sergeant Sagara who was lying still on a clinic bed next to her. The lights were quite dim making the whole area gloomy. A large room sign board, Medical Operations Department was hanging outside above the room's door.

If possible, they wanted to use it for check-up purposes only and not for bad situations like this. Sergeant Sagara was in a critical state after the rescue mission in China; Tessa was feeling responsible for this, for everything. She was feeling guilty for the horrible outcome. They won the battle but something like this should had not happened to him if she just became more careful with her decisions. She let out a long sigh.

It was past two o'clock in the morning and she was still there watching her precious sergeant, expecting him to wake up any minute. She was trying to nap but couldn't, she thought he might wake up anytime and she should attend to his needs right away.

A sound of footsteps was reverberating outside the room and was getting closer. It was Melissa Mao. She was worried not only to sergeant Sagara but also to Tessa, she knew she'd still be there, no doubt; Even when she was told she should leave it to the other officers. And just as she expected, the captain was still at the chair she left her several hours ago. She knew she'd be the most worried about this situation especially, because it was the sergeant she most cared about.

"So, how is he? Any development to his state?" Mao broke the silence in the gloomy room.

"Still the same." Tessa closed her eyes, faced down, letting out another sigh. She'd been sighing too much lately, and Mao was aware of that. She had witnessed almost everything Tessa had been going through. She also knew how down she had been several months ago right after her birthday. She didn't exactly knew the reason why but she was certain it was about sergeant Sagara and Chidori.

"Are you okay? You haven't slept since yesterday," Mao responded with a worried tone in her voice, "I know you want to take care of him as much as you can but you should also take care of yourself."

"I-I know that. But I can't help it. I couldn't sleep with all this anxiety inside me." Tessa spoke her mind looking straight at Melissa's unblinking eyes.

"Tessa." Mao was concerned about her health condition, she couldn't afford to get sick now, not now. "Sagara isn't your only subordinate you know, we all need you. Take some rest before anything bad happens to you."

Tessa faced down again, surfacing with a realization. "Okay. I understand. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, when he wakes up, you'll be the first one to know." Melissa smirked feeling contented with the turn of events.

"Thank you." Tessa took a last glance at sergeant Sagara's still face then walked her way out.

 ** _You said you like her more than you like me. Truth can be so harsh sometimes. It cuts deeply and there's nothing you can do about it._**

"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't blame yourself, it's no one's fault." Melissa's voice was raised and was aimed at her captain, Tessa. Considering their rank, it was a sign of disrespect but at times like this, Tessa just needed a friend to talk to, even she had hard times like this.

"I perfectly knew Arbalest wasn't in a good condition and I still let sergeant Sagara used it." Tessa's grey eyes were blurred by the tears about to fall to her cheeks. "I took that risk and now, look at what happened."

"But if you didn't take that risk, no one would probably made it out alive, we might be all dead by now." There was a hint of despair in her response.

Tessa didn't say anything in return. She realized Melissa was right. She needed to have faith in sergeant Sagara's strength, that he could get through this. Soon, he would wake up and everything would turn back to normal.

"Are we going to let his school know about this? How about miss Kaname?" Mao was waiting for the captain's decision. Tessa hadn't thought about this, neither it crossed her mind. She was reminded about his life at Japan and the relationship he had with Kaname Chidori. She honestly didn't know whether to tell them his current situation or not. Tessa held the tail of her braid and brushed it off her cheeks, a habit she had whenever she was anxious about something.

"I…I don't know. You just tell them he needs a month off because of a car accident." Tessa was uncertain about her decision but she thought it was the best option they had. "And about her…" She glanced back to sergeant Sagara's tranquil face, he who was trying to fight his current condition. "I'll be the one to tell her, personally."

"Roger that." Mao responded while grinning slightly with her decision, it was as if she could read her mind, and she expected she'd say that. She waved her hand as she slowly paced her way out of the room.

There were only 15 minutes left before Tessa needed to go back to her duty as captain. She spent every free time she could have here, to where she felt she should be - next to his side. Clearly, it was more than a sense of duty for her.

 _I want to hide this from her. So much. I know she would run here right away the moment she knew your condition. I want you for myself but I have to set everything aside because I know she's the only one who can make you feel better. It'll hurt but if it's for you, I'll do it._

Tears ran down her cheeks, she couldn't hold it back. The truth was too painful to admit and too excruciating to tell it to yourself. She grasped his right hand tightly, crying and wishing he'd return back.

 ** _I'm right here. I'm always by your side. You were and will never be alone, please don't forget that._**

"You call the head doctor immediately!" Tessa's screaming voice echoed in the four corners of the room. "Sergeant Sagara, please get a hold of yourself."

"Captain, what happened?" the head doctor who just came in catching his breath asked her, then immediately turned his gaze to his patient, sergeant Sagara. They all gasped at the sight of him, he who was slowly moving and opening his eyelids. They were all anticipating what would happen next.

"W-Where am I? Who are you?" there was something peculiar beneath his words. It seemed like he was not making any sense.

Tessa covered the lower half of her face with her hands refusing to believe with the odd turn of events. She saw it right away. This wasn't a bad dream, a lie nor a practical joke. There was something unbearable happened to him, she was certain of it.

"Y-you don't remember…anything?" Tessa asked the obvious to clear her doubts.

"I don't." Sagara felt a minor headache, followed by light dizziness. He shook his head attempting to toss it away but no luck. "But somehow, I can still remember my name. Saga…Sagara-"

"Sousuke Sagara." She cut him off with his name; she saw he was having a hard time. She averted her gaze to the head doctor who seemed to already have formulated a conclusion. "Doctor, could it possibly be…"

"Yes." The two connected the same answer in their mind. "A post-traumatic amnesia. Specifically, a retrograde amnesia." He sounded melancholic with his statement.

 ** _If we had met under different circumstance, would everything work out the way I wanted it to be?_**

Kurz and the others joined them upon knowing Sagara's condition. They introduced themselves to him as if meeting him for the first time. They fed him lots of information he once knew but had to hear again, because every detail they said seemed all new to him. He tried to remember but he couldn't get anything right.

Shortly after that, each had taken their leave as if they were called for a duty or an emergency meeting. He was left alone in the room, only silence and loneliness stayed with him. Sagara roamed his eyes in all four corners of the room but she wasn't in there. All had finished their introduction except one - Tessa.

 _Where did she go? I still don't know who she is._

Tessa had run off elsewhere, a defence mechanism from an intense shock she had heard several minutes ago. There was something troubling her, something she knew she shouldn't feel, something that wasn't right.

 _Could it be the heaven's way of letting me change my fate? Our fate?_

She looked down, staring at her TDD captain's uniform.

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 **A/N:** Chapter 1 done! Please tell me what you think about it. Reviews from you are greatly appreciated! :) Hope you come back for Chapter 2!


	2. Chapter 2: Reason

**_Loving you is both my happiness and my pain, sergeant Sagara._**

Tessa mindlessly walked down the hallway of Tuatha De Danaan, the place she considered home for the longest time. Taking deep breaths at every corner and loud heart beats as she walked; she made her way to meet her closest friend, Melissa Mao.

"Captain! Come drink with me!" Melissa offered a beer in can, as soon as Tessa entered the room. Melissa was lying down comfortably in the sofa while watching TV. Chips scattered on the table and empty cans littered the floor. This sight was giving Tessa a minor headache but she still sat with her. She had expected this.

"There's something I want you to know." Tessa opened the beer she got from Melissa and took a small sip. She was building up courage.

"Yeah. What about it?" Melissa darted a teasing stare.

"I-it's about…Sergeant Sagara and I…" Melissa turned off the TV, she felt the tremble from Tessa's voice. Tessa took a larger sip this time, "He doesn't remember anything about me, about everything. He doesn't remember…Chidori-san."

Melissa felt something wrong between her words. She didn't like where her lines were heading.

"I want to be with Sagara-san. We'll go somewhere safe and live together. We'll start over, where no one else knows us." Tessa faintly smiled then took a deep breath. "Melissa, I want to take care of him."

Melissa didn't know how to respond to this. She was trying to keep her composure intact.

"Melissa…" Tessa wanted to know how she'd think of this. Melissa had been always the one to speak her mind without holding back.

"Don't joke around like that captain. That's not even half funny." She didn't know what to think anymore.

"I'm not joking Melissa! Please get serious!" Tessa raised her voice up to the top of her lungs.

"You're out of your mind, captain." Melissa stood up and was about to leave the room. Nothing seemed to make sense for her here.

"Melissa!" tears were slowly forming in Tessa's eyes, "Is it so wrong to live my life the way I wanted it to be? Am I too selfish to take a taste of this happiness? Is it all wrong?" Tessa cried her heart out; she couldn't hold it back anymore. She had been keeping it to herself this entire time. "I've dedicated all my life serving, I know I can't quit, I know my life will always be in danger, I know I can't run away from this, I know Sagara-san will hate me if he'd known the truth."

"Then why?! Why risking your life like this?" Melissa halted and took a turn to face Tessa, "He doesn't deserve your love. You'll just hurt yourself."

"…Because I love him. I know I'll always do. This is my only chance to be with him, because I know…" Tessa clenched her fist, holding on the bitter truth, "…that he'll never want to be with me!"

 _And it hurts like hell… I just admitted the bitter truth. I know I can never be Sagara-san's choice. That it'll always be Chidori-san._

Melissa sighed. She knew she can never understand it all. Love can be both beautiful and frightening at the same time.

"You don't care about your safety, do you?" Melissa felt like asking to get an obvious answer. "Sagara will never be the same sergeant who'd risk his life to protect you because it's an order. You know perfectly that a lot of terrorists are after you."

"I'm well prepared for that. If he tried to protect me, not because of an order, then I'd be happier."

 _I want to live a simple life. I didn't ask for these rare talents. I didn't ask to be protected. I just want to be with the one I love, even just for once, even if I know it won't last._

Melissa wanted to support the captain with all she can, but she couldn't help worrying. She just didn't want Tessa to get hurt in the end.

"I want to be with him…without anyone to hinder us because of ranks and orders. I just want him to see me as his woman, even just for once." Tessa's soft voice pierced through Melissa's heart, "Please…Melissa. Only you can help me…"

Melissa was struggling to choose an answer. She didn't want Tessa to get hurt but she also wanted her to be happy.

"Then…" Melissa paced towards Tessa, "…What do you want me to do?"

 ** _I'm holding on to people who believe in us together..._**

Several hours had passed. Some were taking short breaks while some went off to have a drink at the bar. Tessa didn't leave her seat yet. She was thinking so hard on how she'd approach sergeant Sagara. She took one deep breath and decided to take a walk.

She was walking head down. Her mind was wandering elsewhere until she bumped into Kurz Weber.

"Captain!" Kurz made his salute to the captain, and Tessa quickly acknowledged it.

"Kurz." Tessa averted her gaze off him, "Can we talk for a minute?"

Kurz felt the heavy atmosphere around them. What did he do this time? Surely, it wasn't about that unreturned DVD from Commander Richard Mardukas that he was keeping in for months. Feeling somewhat tense, he followed the captain.

"If I weren't the captain of this ship, what do you think can I do?", Tessa sat on her chair, looking at Kurz who was at rest position. It was her office room and it was too spacious for one person, "Can I also be loved like any other normal girl?" Tessa noticed the puzzled look at Kurz's face, "Can I also be loved..."

"If we're talking about Sousuke here...am pretty sure he'd like hot and pretty girls." Kurz burst into laughter, "…or someone like you, captain." He became serious all of a sudden.

Tessa blushed at Kurz's words, though she wasn't really sure if he was being serious.

"Truth is, Melissa told me about it." Tessa's pupils dilated, this was something she didn't want to hear, "B-but she only tell it to me and I swear I won't tell a soul!" Tessa sighed deeply.

 _If it's Kurz, then I think, it's fine._

"I'll help you, captain, with all that I can." It was a reassuring bright smile. Kurz was determined to do this.

"Thank you, Kurz. I trust you, both you and Melissa."

 ** _If I come to you as your woman and not as your superior, will things go differently?_**

Tessa was standing in front of sergeant Sagara's room, sighing every minute, her mind was wandering anxiously. She was wearing a white floral dress. This might be all an act, but for her, it was her reality by heart.

 _This won't be easy but I know I've got this._

She finally turned the door knob clockwise, slowly opening the door. She was greeted by Sagara's calm stare as if he was waiting for her. He remained silent, unable to say anything. He didn't remember her.

 _If only we could meet like this from the beginning...I wonder how far it would change things._

"Sousuke..." Her smile glimmered. She wasn't used to calling him by first name, "Are you feeling better?" her heart fluttered.

"Yes." It was a straight answer, his stare didn't take off hers, "I..."

"That's a relief..." She walked closer to him, wearing her sweet smile, "We can now go back to Hawaii."

"Hawaii? W-wh.." he was rattled.

"I've missed you so much, my Sousuke." Her heart flew, her eyes were gleaming with happiness.

Sousuke couldn't breathe. He stared at her in bewilderment.

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 **A/N:** Finally, Chapter 2 is out! Please tell me what you think about it~ I'm so excited to write Chapter 3! Special thank you to all who reviewed Chapter 1, you've truly motivated me.


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